Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
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Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud