Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
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cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
time machine? you mean a clock?
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”