Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
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Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
鈥楽up
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
You know you鈥檝e been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we鈥檇 be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it鈥檚 like, surprise y鈥檃ll, this is Grey鈥檚 Anatomy.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 馃槈
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 馃檨