“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
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Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Doggies just call it style.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”