Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
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a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
How to draw a duck
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
craving $300 all of a sudden
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.