“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
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Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Saturday
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.