when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
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Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I’m literally crying
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.