What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
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“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Always…
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok