Ron is short for Aaronald
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*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Potatoes were such a good idea
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza