doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
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So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.