“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
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[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Deer are just ballerina dogs
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!