Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
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[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral