I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
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Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.