[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
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With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years: