Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
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so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
i actually laughed 😩
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Best spot.. 😅
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet