Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
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Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
They’re not wrong
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
i’m still crying at this
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.