A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
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Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*