Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
You Might Also Like
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*