My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
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If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
😲 WTF? 😆
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.