The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
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No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.