My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
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Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy