i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
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Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
he was correct
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.