Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
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[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
😜
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.