[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
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ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother