Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
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I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco