I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
being a writer on Twitter:
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that