[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
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Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”