Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
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Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?