A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
You Might Also Like
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
mom had nothing to worry about
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.