Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
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Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I know karate and tons of other words.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.