I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
You Might Also Like
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin