[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
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Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?