Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
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If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.