why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
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me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
6: are snakes just neck?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
i was baptized in a car wash
(True)
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.