My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”