*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
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ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.