Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
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I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.