My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
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My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
In space, no one can hear…
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Noah was an idiot.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Do not levitate over flowers
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.