Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
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The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
*watches the world burn*
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.