An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
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Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham