Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
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[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
🖤✌🏽
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…