Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
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“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.