God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
You Might Also Like
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
this FaceApp is creepy af
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.