ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
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He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Made something I’m not proud of
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.