WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
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I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.