Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
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Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.