Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
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Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”