Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
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A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
White parent Vs Arab parents
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.