Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
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I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.