Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
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Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
i hate you platonically
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*